A post on a Saturday? What? I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “wow, I can’t believe she found time to post on a weekend, because she’s so busy and popular.”
No? Fine, you’re mean.
Actually, I’m still in my pjs, I ate cookies for breakfast, and I’m just a little bored. Normally, I look forward to Saturdays because we go out and look around town and play with the dogs. Right now, the dogs are sleeping on my feet on the couch. Alas, Zach is out playing hockey. I would have gone, but it is an all-day event, in the snow, and I’d have to hang out by myself with smelly hockey players. Not exactly ideal. If I’m going to hang out alone all day, I’d rather be warm and with my dogs.
It’s probably a good thing I have a day off. Things have been getting tense around my home lately. I hope it’s not an indication of the entire year (I doubt it), but still, it’s something that has to be dealt with. It sucks that half the winter vacation will be spent away from Zach (hockey and skiing with family), but sometimes life gets in the way.
I talked with my sister yesterday, and she thinks that her dad only has a few days left to live, so she’s been extra sad lately. He’s been fighting a brain tumor for over a year, and lately, he hasn’t been doing too well. It has made all the holidays really hard on most people. Even though he wasn’t MY dad, he was there for all my major life events (including my birth and wedding). We went on trips with him every year, and he’d visit all the time. My brother and I even took a road trip with him and HIS mother – a kind of family/last-trip-for-grandma trip. To be honest, I was closer to him than almost all of my extended “blood” relatives. And while we differed and bumped heads a lot (I was an artist, and he didn’t like that a ton), he still loved me and tried to understand. That’s all that matters, right?
But my fond memories are nothing compared to the relationship my sister has with him. Not only did they have passionate fights and bumped heads on 80% of everything, I doubt you could find a father and daughter that loved each other more. They not only fought each other, they fought FOR each other. It takes a really special kind of love to love someone unconditionally that is harder to love. I know it will be hard on my sister, because she will be losing her biggest rock in life.
I don’t think I’m the best person at dealing with death either. At my grandpa’s funeral, I felt like I was on the outside of something, looking in. It felt surreal. I felt bad for my grandma. And I didn’t know anyone there. I mean, yes, I was related to them and might have known them at some point, but I didn’t really KNOW anyone. Also, funerals are a terrible backdrop for family reunions. When my friend Jhade passed, I didn’t get to say goodbye, and I just miss her a lot (I’ve almost sent her number text messages multiple times, including these recent holidays). And right now, I’m dreading every time my phone rings, because I’m going to get “the call.”
So, despite all the best efforts, there is a feeling of being in limbo still. There are aspects of 2014 still holding on. All I can do is just to try and push forward, while at the same time, handling the bits and pieces being thrown at me.
If I managed to depress you on your Saturday, I guess I’m sorry, but why are you reading sad blogs on Saturday?! Just kidding. I needed to vent out a little bit of sadness, because it has been giving me crippling anxiety lately. It makes me feel isolated and alone.
Ugh, now that I’m naked and you’ve seen my insides, I will go now and do something productive or at least happy on this Saturday.
Until next time.
'”Be thankful for the bad things in life. For they opened your eyes to the good things you weren’t paying attention to before.”– Jim Henson