I Can’t Find the Words, But I Have the Feelings

WARNING:  There’s like, a lot of f-bombs in this piece, because that’s how I talk, and apparently I’m a sailor who hasn’t seen a woman or land in 30 years.  Kidding, it’s not as bad as Good Will Hunting.  Or how I talk…


I’ve been thinking about this for a while.  I’ve been thinking, “should I write about this?” or “what do I say?”

I couldn’t come up with any coherent answer for myself, so I’m going to spew what will probably be my most angry thoughts I’ve ever written in this blog.

Yesterday, I had completely shut down, I was so upset.  I didn’t talk to anyone.  When Zach finally came home, it took a few minutes, but then I flew into a rage about police violence.

An INNOCENT man was murdered, it was captured on video, and no one will be held accountable.  Because the man that was murdered was black.  It blows my fucking mind.  Wait, sorry, the guy that recorded the whole thing is being charged, my bad.  It’s just weird, because he wasn’t the murderer!

Now, don’t think I’m naive.  I KNOW racism is alive and well in this country (and most countries).  I’ve seen it play out in the most disgusting ways, over and over, even in my liberal “safe havens.”  For instance, in high school, our basketball team played another team that consisted of predominately black players, so our school responded by having basically the entire police force wait outside our school to make sure all those thugs didn’t beat everyone up, I guess.  I also stood outside, harassing the police, who were harassing the basketball players, who were, by the way, perfectly nice, yet annoying teenagers, and DID beat us – on court.

And I’d also like to note, I yelled at the police, I stood firmly in my ground, and no one arrested me.  Because I’m white.

I was also WELL within the laws of protest, but so are all these black people that are being murdered.

This is probably just the most dramatic personal event I’ve witnessed.  I could literally write a Game of Thrones-sized novel consisting of all the “minor” infractions I’ve witnessed.  I’ve had friends not be served in restaurants, I’ve seen friends be followed in stores, and at my own fucking wedding, I had anxiety that certain family members would be rude to an interracial couple, and I’d have to throw their asses out (because NO ONE should be made to feel like less of a person).

All of this pisses me off.  And guess what? I’m just a WITNESS to all this.  Sure, I face discrimination and degradation as a woman, and perhaps I’ll go into that at another time, but right now, I’m talking about race issues (besides, it’s pointless to compare injustices – they are all bad).  I can’t even begin to imagine what it feels like to live it – every day.  Every day, of your entire life, you live in fear, insecurity, and oppression because of the color of your skin (damn, am I having deja vu from before I was alive?).  I’ve always said something, I always stand up for people, even if it means getting in trouble (which I did, a lot, as a kid).  Because getting in trouble is OK.  It’s not the end of the world.  But murder literally is the end of someone.  So stand the fuck up and say something.

And the only thing I can do about anything is complain.  Make noise.  Oh, and also, not be a racist asshole and shoot black people.  And for anyone else reading this:

If you’re being quiet, you’re part of the problem.  If you’re defending the police, you’re part of the problem.  If you’re trying to justify this by saying it’s an artifact of “thug” culture, you’re part of the problem.  Basically, if you’re not screaming at the top of your lungs at this injustice, you’re part of the problem.

Because this isn’t just a “black” problem.  This is OUR problem.  In fact, it’s not a black problem AT ALL.  It’s a white problem.  Because we’re the ones creating all the problems.  Get it?  Deal with it.  Because I promise, this is going to get a hell of a lot worse before it ever gets better.  We are committing crimes against our own people.

Last night, when the news came on, they talked about East High Schoolers (Denver) protesting.  The news people were clear to mention that the police where peaceful and kind, and “never told them to go back to class” and walked along with them.  I thought, fucking right, that’s their fucking job, do they need a fucking pat on their backs?  But then, of course, in a very leading story-telling way, the entire story was about an officer being critically injured after being hit by a car ON AN UNRELATED ACCIDENT.  Someone, not part of the protest, crashed into him.  So the story was not about how kids were uniting, doing something they felt was important, but how an officer, who’s life is more important, was injured doing his job.  I’m sorry that the officer was injured, because he clearly doesn’t like murdering black people, but the news made it seem like he died because it was THEIR fault.  Also, don’t even get me started on Denver’s police force, which I consider to be one of the most corrupt in the entire country.  It’s like they are competing with NYPD on who can be the biggest assholes.

I saw a quote on Tumblr yesterday.  It said: “Stop demonizing riots.  Without riots, you’d still be working 10-12 hours six days a week.”  I told Zach, “finally!  Someone gets it!”  Normally, I think being peaceful solves a lot.  But right now, it’s not.  Being peaceful hasn’t solved anything for a long time.  Why do you think hackers are the ones bringing rapists to justice?  They are committing a technically illegal act, but they are doing something really great with it, and bringing REAL criminals to justice.  It’s called civil disobedience, and it’s designed to change things when your civil culture is failing you.

And sometimes, the system needs to be completely broken down, torn apart, and burned so something new can grow.  Right now is that time.

If you’re one of those people judging black people for protesting or rioting, you’re an asshole.  Seriously, you’ve got your head so far up your fucking ass, it’s not even funny at this point.  They are reacting to being murdered.  They’re reacting to their children living in terror.  They live in a constant state of terror.  They don’t get to live your [apparently] terror-free life.  I’d be so angry if someone I loved was murdered by a cop and that person would not be held accountable.  Now, imagine that happens like, all the fucking time.  Sure, it’s not always murder, but imagine being bullied and oppressed by your authority EVERY FUCKING DAY.

“You don’t have a peaceful revolution.  You don’t have a turn-the-cheek revolution.  There’s no such thing as a non-violent revolution.” – Malcolm X

Anne Frank said, “In spite of everything, I still believe people are really good at heart.”  I believe this too, but it’s not enough to keep that goodness in your heart anymore.  Wear it on your sleeve, so those that have no goodness know they are in the minority, that we’re watching, and we will make sure they never hurt another person again.

One time, when I was 13, a teacher was reading a lot of my poetry.  I made a collection for an assignment.  I wrote a lot of poetry about civil rights and international affairs with the USA at that time.  I also wrote a lot on poverty, which was something I had the pleasure of experiencing when I was younger.  My teacher responded, “You have really good insight.  And clearly you’re sad and angry about a lot of things, but all your poems end on a hopeful note.  You shy away.  You don’t have to end there, why don’t you carry through?”

I replied, “It’s not that I’m afraid of having a poem end sadly, I just want people to know, that no matter how bad it may be, there’s still hope.”

My teacher argued me for a while longer, but, you know, I never stood down, even though she actually graded me lower.

I used to be a lot smarter back then.  I’m even sassier now, so it all evens out, right?

I’m trying to figure out how to end this incredibly angry, and at times condescending, post on a positive note, but I’m struggling.  I guess, what I CAN say, is that even though I was angry when I caught a glimpse of traditional media, that’s not how I live most of the time.  Traditional media, like TV and newspapers, don’t reflect or influence the masses in the same way anymore.  This makes me happy.  This is a good thing, because the media really does nothing but outright LIE most of the time.  Well, they tell some sort of truth, but it’s generally a very narrow one, that isn’t really reflective of reality.  In my world, I’m living with people who are mad, telling the truth, and not backing down.  The [FREE] internet makes a lot of that possible.

I’m sorry, but I will not end on that.  Instead, I will end with Eric Garner’s last words, because they might as well be the words of millions in this country, and everyone needs to hear them:

“Every time you see me, you want to mess with me.  I’m tired of it, it stops today… I’m minding my business, officer, I’m minding my business.  Please just leave me alone.  I told you the last time, please just leave me alone.  Please.  Please, don’t touch me.  Do not touch me.  I can’t breathe.  I can’t breathe.  I can’t breathe.  I can’t breathe.  I can’t breathe.  I can’t breathe.  I can’t breathe.  I can’t breathe.  I can’t breathe.”


Until next time.


I Have Feelings and Sometimes They’re Angry Ones

Wow, it’s been a while, hasn’t it?  Things got crazy last month.  I didn’t get to do all the things I wanted to do, mainly because of illness.  And lately I’ve been preoccupied.

AND I’m thinking about posting less on this blog and/or changing the format.  Because life changes and you must adapt.

Anyway, let’s start.  I’d like to mention, this is not a rant.  This is a deliberate response to my feelings.  A rant presumes that I didn’t think things through carefully before I wrote.  I thought things through.  Carefully.

The election was yesterday, and honestly, I wasn’t surprised about anything.  I called it all.  I don’t consider myself a cynical person in any way, shape, or form, but I figured the GOP would take control.  Zach was upset last night.  He took it harder than I did, even though a lot of my personal rights are more at stake.  Here’s kind of how our conversation went down:

Zach:  “This is upsetting.  I can’t believe people are so stupid.”
Me: “Well, things aren’t that great now, I have to worry about what I say on the internet for fear of getting rape and death threats.  Black people are just being gunned down left and right.  Plus, now, we can watch it all burn.  There’s no stability like before to give any sort of wiggle room.”
Zach:  “Well now you get to watch it burn.”
Me: “Muahahaha!!!  Here, have some legalized recreational marijuana to make you feel better.  You can light the joint on the burning flames of our society.”
Zach: “No.  Stop it.”

OK, that was basically an interpretive transcript, but I think you get my meaning.  I did not, however, take creative liberties with the maniacal laugh.  That actually happened.

If you’re reading my blog and are super conservative and don’t care about people before money, I’m not sure why you’re here.  Clearly, you’re lost.  Here, let me help you: http://www.foxnews.com.  I think you will find that style of writing more to your taste.  Please, don’t leave hateful comments, or argue with me, because I don’t really care about being nice or polite.  I am an elderly 28 year old woman.  I will block you and silently flip the bird at the computer.  Don’t get me wrong, I pretty much hate all politicians.  I’m not a fan of a bunch of rich white guys making decisions for everyone.  Because to be honest, most people aren’t rich white guys.  THEY DON’T KNOW BETTER/WE’RE NOT YOUR LITTLE CHILDREN/YOU’RE NOT MY DADDY/DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO.  (*It should be noted that the author of this post may have some severe daddy issues*)

I wish I could say I was done with the snarkiness, but hold on a second, I need to share a news story I saw yesterday, that touched me deep to the core:

PTC and the ‘Scandal’ Sex Scene after Charlie Brown

This is much less serious, but I actually laughed out loud when I saw this headline.  I laughed even harder as I read the article, lamenting how children were assaulted with “graphic” sex within 26 seconds after the credits rolled on Charlie Brown.  But a few things came to mind:
#1 – I’m glad someone rewinded their DVR to count the seconds.  Because you KNOW some crazy-ass parent did that.
#2 – It blows my mind that The Great Pumpkin is considered a children’s cartoon, because it features horrible disappointment of childhood beliefs/those children are super mean.  Lucy, WTF is your problem with the football?!  Those aren’t regulation rules!
#3 – I’ve never seen Scandal, but it’s on regular TV, and I’m well versed on TV censorship, so I doubt there was any sort of nudity (kids see more at a public pool), and it’s not porn.  Or worse, HBO. *wink*
#4 – Like I said, I’ve never seen Scandal, but I have a feeling it’s about scandals.  If I was a super conservative parent who was scared my kids might find out sex exists and they might want to talk about it, I’d avoid TV about scandals.  Yes, I’d have my finger on the remote, Fox News!

I’m filing this under my “people will get mad about anything” file.  Seriously.  Worry that your kids are growing up in a society that terrorizes female gamers with threats of violence.  Worry that non-white children their age will probably be victims of violent racism.  Worry that children are starving in America. Worry that some other kid might shoot them at school.  Or in a park.  Or in a theater.  Worry that people have strayed so far from compassion that we don’t know how to take care of each other.  Worry about a lot of things.  But a sex scene on prime time TV is NOT what we need to be worrying about.

Besides, people complaining about sex stuff are boring to me.  Those people BORE ME.

Sometimes I feel like I’m living in the olden days.  But now I get to wear pants.

The sarcasm is strong in this one.

Until Next Time.

WARNING: This is a Super Girly Post!

So yesterday, I decided to bake cookies for my dogs.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m totally one of those people who are obsessed with their animals and treat them like human children.  However, I never ever dreamed I’d be baking cookies for them.  But they ran out of bedtime treats.  We didn’t have any money to get any for a while.  So… naturally… I baked some for them.

photo 1

photo 2


Yup.  I managed to find cookie cutters in my house in the shapes of puppies and kitties.  For anyone that’s curious about the recipe, I got it here.  I used this particular one because I had all the ingredients and it looked easy (it was).  I modified it to be gluten free (because I’m gluten free, and do not own wheat flour) by using Pamela’s Artisan multi-purpose flour, and coconut flour.  I also had to add more water to get that sticky texture and to make it less crumbly.  That was all.  I burned the last batch, and was worried I’d have to throw them out, but then I realized they were dogs and would still love them.

So now on to girly things.  Now, I consider myself to be very progressive and whatnot, and I hate gendering things, however, for this post, it’s all about the girl stuff.  Feminine.  Anyone who identifies as woman.  That sort of thing.  So don’t get offended if you think I’m excluding people, I just have an intense feeling to celebrate the woman stuff right now.  OK.

I’m quickly approaching “that time of the month,” and therefore have been dealing with all the aches and pains that go along with it.  However, this month, I had a light bulb go off in my head that totally changed my perception of things.  For whatever reason, I just had this flood of emotion go through me that just really loved being a woman.  I’ve never wanted to be a woman.  Even as a young girl, I wanted to grow up to be a boy.  Because girl stuff sucked.  And I thought the same as a teen.  And even as an adult, I was conditioned to hate everything about being a girl.  Periods.  Childbirth.  Menopause.  Harassment.  Unequal pay.  The list goes on.  Older women in my life did this really weird thing where they wear it all like a badge of honor.  They don’t like it necessarily, but they got through it, and everything sucked but oh well.  And maybe I’m just paranoid, but I swear I saw a glint of revenge in their eyes as soon as I went through puberty.

But you know what?  The things that matter, the things that make me a woman (not societal things), I truly do LOVE.  I LOVE the fact that my body changes with every single little change in the air.  I’m so sensitive to it all.  I feel like I won the lottery, because I am more in tune with nature because of how my body is made and reacts.  Even though I was taught the only reason to have breasts and a period was to prepare oneself for motherhood, I see it totally differently now.  Sure, yes, having children is strongly tied to those things.  But they are not the only reason for them, in my opinion.

Because I cannot have children, I have had the honor to get to know my body in a different way.  I’ve had the chance to see all the other things it can do.  I listen to it more now.  I understand it more.

I don’t feel resentment towards my body.  If it’s tired because of cramps, it’s OK to slow down and listen to it.  It’s not trying to kill me.  It’s talking to me about its cycle.  Is it different this month?  Did gorging on pizza help or did cupcakes help better?  Some yoga moves make me cry.  Why?

I’m not saying that “non-women” can’t be sensitive.  Again, I’m just having a personal celebration party.  I also really wanted to write an honest post about girly things, because I never generally feel “safe” to be feminine.  In work, it’s seen as a fault.  In school, no one would work on my films if I spouted girly, feminine things.  In fact, a teacher even told us to not make “sensitive” films (you know, ones about feelings and emotions outside of anger and aggression – even sadness was acceptable, unless it got messy).  I think it’s a sad thing, when people can’t be sensitive.  Softness does not equate weakness, just as being feminine does not mean you’re soft.  Things are way more complex than that, and I love it.

Until next time.

Apologies and Controversy

Yes, I totally promised blogs last week  that didn’t happen.  But, I wasn’t feeling well, and neither was my dog, and I had to spend a lot of time at the vet and making her feel better/worrying a lot.  Last week was just a mess, and I’m so glad to be on a new week.  It’s already going much more smoothly.

A couple of updates:
I had to stop the Conscious Cleanse.  I got very sick on it.  Like, really, really sick.  I stayed on it for a week before I finally had to throw in the towel.  I had developed allergies and sensitivities to raw and some not raw vegetables.  I had less energy than ever and took 3-hour naps.  I was bloated and itchy all over, especially on my ribs.  No matter how many different things I tried, it failed.  It got to the point I completely lost interest in any kind of food.  So, I’m back to eating semi-normally – I’m just cutting out dairy and sugar for the most part (and other processed foods).  And, I’m only eating thoroughly cooked vegetables for a bit.

I am continuing my creative projects, some getting close to the end, others starting to gain momentum.  That’s good.

I deleted my Facebook app on my phone, so now I’m on MAYBE twice a day.  It was a little uncomfortable at first, but now I like it.  I’m even on my phone less in general.  “Facebook, not even once!”

I’m starting to watch Criminal Minds again, so I’ll expect to have the most horrifying nightmares of my life again.

OK, I think I’ve caught everyone up.  Now for the “controversy.”

The thing in Ferguson is bothering me a lot.  I am a semi-obsessive Twitter user, and I’m following the entire thing closely.  Every night, I hold all of those people in my thoughts, and I hope no one will get hurt.  I know they have to do this.  The people in that town have lived with injustice too long, and everyone has a breaking point.  I’m disappointed at how the mainstream media is reporting on it – and I only know how they are reporting on it because I’ve talked to people that ONLY get their info from regular news outlets.  The police are 100% in the wrong and are dangerous.  I’m glad Amnesty International is getting involved, because, apparently, we don’t know how to treat people here.  Ahem, excuse me, I mean non-white people.

I feel helpless.  I know a lot of people do.  So I try and make awareness.  They need the world watching, at the very least.

But, it’s a war zone there right now.

All to protect one murderer (yes, I said it.  I’m not a journalist so I don’t need to say “alleged.”  Bah!).

I hope the boy’s family gets the justice they deserve.  I hope everyone in the town gets justice.  I hope the people of Ferguson can one day, soon, not have to flinch in fear when they see a cop passing them, or have to worry about looting, or that their child will be hit with tear gas or rubber (or real) bullets.  I hope it’s soon.

I may not have faith in the system, but I have faith in people.  I’ve seen people move mountains, crumble governments/empires and have compassion for the smallest of creatures.

You can do this, Ferguson.

Until next time.